zwanie

Dad was admitted to SK hospital yesterday afternoon. No one knows what's really wrong until a thorough CT scan is later in the morning or on Monday. Doctor said it's a suspected mild stroke. Initially, it was thought to be a mild heart attack. Whatever it was, I'm a little bit worried for his health. Everyone's been trying to advise him to stop smoking but it's not getting into his head. There's no will in him to stop smoking. Moreover, he is always in the company of his 'kaki' who smokes. His cholesterol level has shot up to 300 and his kidneys are only 50% functional. Afraid as I am, all I can do now is pray. I told my sister about it, so she can keep him in prayer too. She asked me to be strong, so I hope I am strong enough, not through my own strength, but His. I'm not sure if I am doing enough during this period of time.

In a way, I'm thankful it happened when I was around in the weekends. All was okay in the morning when I sent him to the family doctor for his gout. His swollen joint on the left foot that has been there for quite some time and not effective with medication. I was coincidentally there too to get my own medictation. I ate breakfast with him, sent him to the shop. And I thought that was the end of it.

Later in the noon, he called mum to send him to the clinic again. It seems he was feeling nausea and sweating cold sweat. I was having my short nap but instinct told me to drive mum out. The family doctor checked his ECG and was told to send him to hospital immediately. I'm thankful too that I had my ATM card with me. Paid cash RM1000 deposit to the hospital. After all, I'm still credit card-less. So that's how he ended up there. By night time, the news that my dad was staying in 'five-star hotel' had spread throughout the family circle and his friends.

Maybe I should have stayed with him for the night in the hospital but he said it wasn't necessary. I might take emergency leave then. I think I need to be there for him. After all, I only have one earthly dad but I can always find work elsewhere. But then now, work is piling up too. Lord, open his heart for Your touch.

I was supposed to update this entry earlier when I didn't what to write or how do I even start. I received an SMS from my ex-coursemate from JB, saying that one of our coursemate had met with a car accident and left all of us already. Initially, I didn't quite take it too seriously because I thought it was a joke. But thinking that it's not even April's Fool day, there's no reason for any joke of such manner. So, I waited for more confirmation the next day.

And the news was confirmed to be true. An email from another coursemate was circulated among us, those from the Computer Science course. This coursemate of mine is special in every way. First of all, he's of mixed parentage (Chinese and Indian). Secondly, he speaks good Chinese, at least much better than mine. Last but not least, he is a helpful person. I remembered him as a person who is not selfish when it comes to helping his fellow comrades. A tall lanky guy who once offered me a place to join him for the final year project. At that time, I was 'ostracised' by my own kind and pretty much, had no where to go. Of course in the end, I didn't join him because I got an offer from another group of coursemates.

It has been years since I heard from him after graduation. His life has been cut short in a rather cruel manner. I can only pray for his family members and girlfriend, that they will remain strong and move on. All that I have left of him are just fond memories and a photograph, taken during the last days of our uni years. Have mercy on his soul, Lord. And rest in peace, my dear friend Ng Kim Swee.

It's been almost 2 years since Cicak passed away, due to dengue. Rest in peace too, my friend. For those on the roads, please, please drive safely. And do take care of your health.

16 November 2006
7.50 pm

It's been slightly over a month since I started my new job here. It's rather weird that the more I am involved in writing, the more reluctant I become to write. After all, I know my weakness; I cannot write under pressure. And surely, I need to write on a topic I know best. The more I write at work, the less creative I become. The more I want myself to write creatively, the less interesting output I come out with. And of course, the more I write, the more I realise how poor I am in writing and in English too. Of course there are many rooms for improvement, but the chances of my work being corrected directly is not very high. Help me to take another step of writing style and to improve my vocabulary, as well as to produce work with no mistakes. And there's the need to learn a bit of my own mother tongue. Even though I can hardly call that my mother tongue. My mother tongue in this country would be Malay and not Chinese.

I can only deduce that I am still trying to get used to the working and living environment here. Truthfully, I've failed to make friends with my colleagues. With me, they are only just my colleagues, no more deeper than that. It's been a tough journey trying to blend in, with me knowing myself that I'm naturally a timid person. I still call the place I'm currently staying as my jail and I still look forward to my parole every weekend. I still worry about Kelise, having forced to put her outside of my cell. Sometimes at night, before I go to bed, I noticed myself praying for the safety of her. Guess my body is also trying to get accustomed to the changes around her. I've missed my period since coming here. I'm just afraid that when it really does come, it would be too painful and too much for me to bear. I hope it won't happen this way.

'Time to change', everyone seems to be telling me that since I changed my work. Not changing to DiGi (I am already a DiGi user), but to change everything else about me. Changing from head to toe, I guess. According to brother, I need to start from my hair, leaving it a bit longer, trim and then dye it. Another mentioned that I need to change my dressing to a more matured look. Yet another said that I need to change my mobile phone, from a non-coloured screen phone to perhaps some with 3G and Bluetooth in it. Yeah, I guess I should be changing bit by bit. After all, this is the real world and I really don't want to be left behind. Everything comes with a price, that I know too. Wouldn't it be easier if those who suggested me to change should sponsor me to make those changes too? For them, it's easier said than done right? After all, they earn much more than I do. I hardly have savings with me at the end of every month and I don't know how to invest my money to make more.

As reluctantly as I want to change, I guess I have no other options. I just need to come out with the money to make me feel more competent and beautiful among the rest of the people in the world. And to get noticed by people.

31 October 2006
4.44 pm

am i being made the scapegoat here? why am i feeling like i am? in front of her, he won't do that. so in front of docile or new people like me, you have the right to scold me like that? why not you just call her up and scold her the same things? why must i be the middle person between you and her? just because i am not a somebody? all because i am a nobody? not a company director like you but just an editor? not rich and powerful like you? am i such a disgrace to you and the company? am i such an embarrassment to you as well? if i am, maybe i should be leaving the magazine publishing line. if i am pretty, i am sure these things won't happen to me, right? isn't this discrimatory? you favour those who are more stunning-looking than those who look ugly and short like me? plus, i don't have the writing skills, right? that adds your looking down at me? all because i am not able to do things perfectly. i am still learning, i'm not sure if i am improving myself all these years. maybe i've gone from bad to worse in everything i undertake. from mingling with people to writing, drawing, singing, playing musical instruments, and looking at life the positive way. i can't see the future in me in the working world. i can't see the silver lining. i only see the dark clouds above me. in as much as i want to stay positive, i just can't seem to do so at this moment. after the slap right in the face by a somebody, i am reminded by all other criticisms i've ever received in my life. sometimes not really constructive, most of them destructive. it's true, what i am is how i perceive myself to be. and others have allevated me into the person i've become. and thanks to them, maybe with me in the world, people can lash out their anger at me. so i am the ideal place for people to release their dissatisfaction. maybe that's the purpose and reason i am here on Earth. people feel better after lashing out at me, they'll feel happier. what's important is that they are happy. all my sadness is upon me and me alone. i have no right to share my sufferings with other people. i have only myself to swallow all my emotions. and slowly but definitely, these emotions will swallow me whole one day. i am just waiting patiently for this day to come. by then, i'll no longer be a burden to myself or to the rest of the world. and let me slip away quietly from everyone and the world. because some things are meant to be that way. 'god only help those who help themselves. enough said'. i guess even god is not going to help me anymore because i do know how to help myself anymore. if there's any wish to be granted right now, it is for me to be somewhere beautiful on my own. surrounded by trees and the sea, but not a soul to be seen. let me rot there with the old majestic trees and allow me to return to the dust where man was originally made. what is left for me here to do? i'm not attached to any commitments in the church or work or relationship. except maybe to take care of my parents.

30 October 2006
7.51 pm

Perhaps I've committed a crime that I myself didn't realise. Consequently, I'm sentenced to imprisonment, thankfully with parole. Else, I'll be much lonelier that this. Thank God that while I'm being punished for my shortcomings, I'm still able to go home every weekend. Not only that, I still can use my strengths to do community service, being paid monthly. Thank God I can still see the outside world, even though it's more limited these days. Most importantly, I can drive anywhere I want, even though I seldom do so because of the limited parking space.

Thank God I still possess the privilege to go online while doing my service. At least I'm not totally shut out from technologies. I guess I need to get used to the life here. Even though language is still a problem for me here, I really do hope to patiently go through this ordeal. I still hope to be released soon. But while I'm still here, I shall learn as much as possible. How long shall I wait, one year? Many more?

I look forward to go home every weekend. That's when I get to see my family members, especially my parents. However, there's still reluctance for me to stay at home. When I'm at home, I feel like running away from home. But where can I go to? I only have hometown or Penjara Kepong here. I feel the tension at home. The distance between my relationship with those at home. I want to go to a home where a family is a close-knit unit where everyone talks and share lives.

I guess I still need to be thankful that my parents are still around. And I do hope to make their lives easier, not harder before their time is up. But sometimes, I just feel like giving up because I can't physically do it all by myself. I need my siblings' help. But I guess I'm not getting any. Maybe this is another punishment of mine that I really deserve in my life.

Perhaps it's good that I'm in prison now, with parole. With my presence less at home, that can ultimately lead to less arguments, disagreements, misunderstandings and fights. Maybe then we can be closer? But for now, I seem to be drifting further apart from them. As if I'm losing touch with God, them and myself. Every bad thing that happens will surely be followed with blessings, I once heard people say. Maybe there's a glimmer of hope in all this. Perhaps I just need to be more prayerful and patient.

I'm here in my cell right now, typing away with radio in my background. Well, after today's community service, I don't know why I feel so exhausted and weak. Guess I should be resting soon. I think I'm going to have a fever. But no one will know. I just need to take care of myself here. Not many friends here in prison. Sometimes, I feel immensely lonely. But then again, this is my punishment right?. May I learn my lesson soon that crime doesn't pay.

Take care mum and dad. I love you guys always. Forgive me for causing such worries and troubles. I really don't mean to cause such misery to the family. Sorry I can't really take care of you guys as what a child should do when she grows up and her parents getting older. Hope there'll still time to make up to this.